Real quick

I just felt legitamite fear to fall asleep becuase i dont want to have another dream about a girl and then wake up to find it wasnt real.  This is ridiculous my brain is an asshole and it knows it because i just used it to call it an asshole

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Dreams

Last night i had one of those dreams that are so vivd its painful. It was about this girl amd i confessed my feelings to her expecting rejection as usual but she didnt she accepted me with open arms and it was fanatstic i had never felt so complete… and then my alarm went off and i just.sunk low like really low and its painful i just end up feeling alone and desperate for companionship but the kind i need is the one i havn’t had for 6 years since my last girlfriend right before she broke my fucking heart. 

Realizing you need help and accepting that you cant do it on your own is one of the hardest things to do as a man. Its emasculating and embaressing its hard to acfept and in my case has only worsened the situation im more depressed than i was before. Another thing while its in my head the ability to lose a friend and hate them with a passion but still look at the good times you had with them fondly is an unusal thing. Kids. I want to have kids at least 2 but no more than four so either ill stop at 2 or ill stop at 4. I think about how i would raise them all the time at least once or twice a day as in if this happened this is what i would tell them to try and help them through their chilhood and teen years. Idk this is just random stuff that i wrote down throughout the day

Idk

Im exhausted all the time i work two jobs my depression is coming back worse than before. Everything is miserable i seriously just dont want to do anymore of anything.