the beatles and such

the beatles are not one of the best bands they are THE best band. thanks to my dad i grew up listening to them they were the only thing that played in my house was the beatles, country music or show tunes the latter two thanks to my mother whom i love dearly but country music is terrible every song is either a man or woman whining about a man or woman that they love but cant be with anymore, i hate it i mean shut the fuck up about it already the last fifty years of artists sang about the same thing you just did and you have the audacity to say that your song is original. any way i dont like country music but i do absolutely love the beatles their album 1 has been played more times in this house than any other albume this family has ever owned along with abbey road and Help! i didnt really discover their darker grittier stuff until i got older and being the youngest i was the last one to discover this and i am so glad i did, i am currently listening to the white album and falling in love with it all over again and this means that once again i will begin to listen to their entire collection again tomorow.

Anyway i dont know i just really like the beatles to meet paul mcartney would be dream i would like to meet ringo as well saying it like that makes it sound like ringo is less than paul but he isnt its just that paul is more in the media than anything else when i t comes to the beatles and ringo is just kind of hey guys im here im gonna play the drums dont mind me.



the beatles are hands down my favorite artists of all time and i am listening to them as i type this. also its about the journey not the destination.


writing is hard you never know what to write about and when you do write about something its usually garbage at least it is to you the writer so at somepoint its usually too depressing to go on. its just like the holidays everyone comes home and you get to see how much better they are doing than you are how much further along their careers are and what is up with you still living at home what the fuck are you doing with y0ur life. changing the subject here really quick  for some reason i am much more attracted to brown hair and brown eyed girls than blondes i find them to be generally more intelligent and to posess much more fire something to challenge myself against with my wit and charm what little of it there is but she is someone who can not only take it but dish it out as well. that just appeals to who i am as a person.


So a few weeks ago i made a post about being afraid to fall asleep because i didnt want to have another dream about a girl. 

Well i had another one last night, only this one is a little bit different when i met the girl she rejected me and i saw myself in the third person but as two seperate people a lighter me with a light in the center who was significantly smaller than the other who was darker and had a coal black center. i dont really rememeber what happened next but i felt a flowing happiness  and the two mes became one and i grabbed the girl and her mood changed i couldnt hear anything but i could feel it in my.. soul i suppose, and then i was running and i felt complete and happy for the first time in a long time i cant begin to descrube the pure hljoy that was so powerful when i woke up i was still happy and it wasnt until a few hours later that i started to feel depressed again.

So i dont really know what im saying other than im not really afraid of those kind of dreams anymore but if i were to have more like the one i just had i would be very much ok with it.

Tired and apologetic

So if you’re reading this Mr.nope i think you will underatand how bad of shape i am in mentally and how much i appreciate your friendship. I know im an asshole and can be a pain in the ass what with the constant hanging out and bugging you i feel bad about it all the time but i have relied so heavily on you being there these past 6 months i dont think i would have made it without you. Im probably not going to post this because if you did read this i feel like it would guilt you into hanging out with me more even if you didnt want to and i dont want that at all.

Real quick

I just felt legitamite fear to fall asleep becuase i dont want to have another dream about a girl and then wake up to find it wasnt real.  This is ridiculous my brain is an asshole and it knows it because i just used it to call it an asshole


Last night i had one of those dreams that are so vivd its painful. It was about this girl amd i confessed my feelings to her expecting rejection as usual but she didnt she accepted me with open arms and it was fanatstic i had never felt so complete… and then my alarm went off and i just.sunk low like really low and its painful i just end up feeling alone and desperate for companionship but the kind i need is the one i havn’t had for 6 years since my last girlfriend right before she broke my fucking heart. 

Realizing you need help and accepting that you cant do it on your own is one of the hardest things to do as a man. Its emasculating and embaressing its hard to acfept and in my case has only worsened the situation im more depressed than i was before. Another thing while its in my head the ability to lose a friend and hate them with a passion but still look at the good times you had with them fondly is an unusal thing. Kids. I want to have kids at least 2 but no more than four so either ill stop at 2 or ill stop at 4. I think about how i would raise them all the time at least once or twice a day as in if this happened this is what i would tell them to try and help them through their chilhood and teen years. Idk this is just random stuff that i wrote down throughout the day


Im exhausted all the time i work two jobs my depression is coming back worse than before. Everything is miserable i seriously just dont want to do anymore of anything.

Women and relationships and stuff.

Women are incredibly hard to understand and even harder to talk to. I mean i think that every once in a while i might understand them and think that maybe what i thi k about this girl is right that maybe she does like me and maybe im saying the right thing hey maybe this is going well. But then it never goes well i always end up screwing it up. Tinder never works either, 90% of tinder is bots and 8% is somen im not interested in amd the last 2 % is women who dont like my profile and are out of my league. I geuss what im trying to say is that i just wish things didnt have to be so complicated why cant men and women decide to have a system say the women thinks the man is cute tells him in some way that she wouldnt mind talking to him and they go from there and if not just fucking say so instead of me seeming like an ass for misinterpretation  of these signals your giving off its bot my fault. I just end up feeling like a creep all the time because i want to have a conversation with you. But as far as she is concerned im just a creepy fat guy who wont leave her along i mean what the fuck i dont wamt to be the creepy fat guy i just want to be happy same as everyone else.


So ive been single for almost 5 years and it rlly sucks, i had a chance for happiness and i threw it away for meaningless sex because i was tired of being a virgin and it haunts me everyday.. i dont really know what im trying to say with this post other than im lonely, i long to have the connection with a woman to be able to trust her completely and be my self or even just a girl i enjoy talking to everyday and who enjoys talking to me. There have been a couple of girls that ive had this with but they all turned on me with rejection and betrayal.