So ive been single for almost 5 years and it rlly sucks, i had a chance for happiness and i threw it away for meaningless sex because i was tired of being a virgin and it haunts me everyday.. i dont really know what im trying to say with this post other than im lonely, i long to have the connection with a woman to be able to trust her completely and be my self or even just a girl i enjoy talking to everyday and who enjoys talking to me. There have been a couple of girls that ive had this with but they all turned on me with rejection and betrayal.
So i realized that my post from a few minutes ago doesn’t make much sense. I shall try to explain it.
That asshole as i refer to him is my former best friend of twelve years who a little less than a year ago got back from army basic training (he was kicked out for fighting, or so he says) so he get back everything is fine and dandy, shoot to a few days before new years we are hanging out and he is drunk and getting really aggressive because there are girls there so i call him on his shit but he keeps going eventually the girls leave and i tell him he needs to quit acting so aggressive because hes acting like his dad used to, and bam he punches me and knocks out my four front teeth. So hospital all night until about noon the next day(it happened around 130am) pain pills and stitches in my gums for about a month. Six months later oral surgeon tells me i have to wait another six months for more bone growth plus six months after the surgery for the actual tooth implants to go in. So basically that asshole ruined the next 2 years of my life because i told him to calm down. Fucking. Asshole. And i think you would be smart enough to figure out the rest of my posts from context. For some time reference the post entitled First post was made 20 days after the previously stated incident.
Why do i still think about that asshole everyday? I don’t know but i do at least 5 or 6 times a day i think about him. I think about going to talk to him, seeing what hes been up to, if the cunt broke his hand like he should have. I also think about beating the living piss out of him until the fucker can’t breathe. Its a Rollercoaster everyday.. sometimes i think the depression is gone but then it comes back.. i could never hurt myself though it always seems idiotic and selfish to the point that even thinking about it makes me feel worse. My friends are very helpful, we recently started snorkeling which is awesome and is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. The only problem is finding places to do it. Then there is the hike on the appalachin that i have to physically mentally and financially prepare for. I think about that everyday more than i do anything else. I’m scared to go on this 6 month hike.. i don’t know if ill he able to make it physically but at the same time i know that if i can make it mentally through the 6 months the physical part won’t bother me. I am a mind over matter type of person i won’t quit while i still believe i can do it. So i don’t know where this post went but i feel better now that it is written.
So last night i wrote a post about jobs and how shitty mine was, well the inspiration to finish my post just came to me. After telling us that we would be paid on time my shitbag of a boss yet again neglected to pay us until he got paid like the peice of shit that he is so i just kind of quit working, this pissed him off, so he told me that i didn’t have to be there if i didn’t want to so i said ok. I told him i was tired of having to beg to get paid the money i earned doing work for him he replied by saying fine ill pay u what i owe you then i don’t want you here anymore i said fantastic and that was the end of it. For those reading, if there are any, this wasn’t the first time this has happened he has lied to me about getting paid and what he is paying me not to mention lying about everything else he does. This has been a long time coming. So in the future kids when u work for a contractor make sure you are on the payroll and get a pay stub every time you get paid. Don’t let people in a higher position than you abuse you and cheat you because they think you won’t do anything about say something threaten to quit or join a union because thats why unions exist is to protect employees from their employer.
so… im just going to start typing because fuck it, my job right now is shit not because of the work but because my boss is a peice of shit. ive worked for him for about three months and ive worked maybe two full 40 hour weeks and gotten paid for less. so why am i still there you ask? well call it some kind of fucked up sense of loyalty but not to my boss to my friend who got me the job and its so shitty that i dont want to leave him there by himself. even though everyone i know is telling me to get out of there including myself its a bad place to be every day i go there i can feel myself getting screwed over like a two doller hooker from thailand. so i have other job offers and i could go back to my last job but i dont really want to do that not because i left on bad terms but because it just feels like a step backwards. i have other jobs on the line i just dont have time to go and apply plus the one job i just have to wait for a call and that could take up to like six months…. so i dont feel like this post is finished so im just going to end it here and update it in a couple days or weeks whenever inspiration strikes..
so i had this dream the other night and in it i was with the girl of my dreams she was perfect in every way and i felt complete… and then i woke up and i immediately felt depressed and alone and it was quite terrible. but these days there are so many things pushing you to find the perfect one you know the one you need to find the one everyone else has why haven’t you, whats wrong with you doesn’t anyone like you what makes you so bad that no one likes you. its really just accelerating the depression in america. Along with this it seems everyone in your life is pushing you from a very young age the most common question is “what do you want to be when you grow up?” maybe i don’t know maybe i wont figure it out for a long time maybe ill be 55 and then finally figure out that i want to be a human aid worker in Haiti. It just seems like you always have to be pursuing something you cant just live your life and be happy we always have to plan for the future and we get so caught up in doing this that we miss our lives and then one day we die and as we are dieing we finally realize that holy shit i’m 95 years old and all i’ve done is work and pay bills its ridiculous, i just wish we could all take a step back and say no i will live my life differently i will enjoy every moment and be kind to people and do my best to be a better person.
so i dont really know what im here to write about. nothing comes to mind and honestly knowing that i am going to post this online for anyone to read even though its anonymous im still freaking myself out which is weird because its stupid but anyway idk shit. i geuss thats what this post is about i just dont really know what im doing here on this planet i mean whats the point honestly wow just writing this im getting depressed shit. you know if i could have any job in the world it would be like cheech and chong just smoke weed all day and get paid for it i know they did a comedy bit i dont know much about it but i know that getting high and chilling is my ideal career but that really doesnt pay so maybe once its legalized ill see if i can get the rights to open up a dispensary that would be awesome because i would make bank i mean seriously if you look at colorado they made millions in tax revenue in the first week and thats just the tax money i mean i dont know the tax percent on recreation weed in colorado but i know that the stores make a shit load of money. but thats cool and a topic for a different post because i have much to say on that topic. along with religion politics and such. well im gonna go im tired so goodnight fuckers.
so the first post on my new blog this is the second time i’ve tried to do this the first i just kinda gave up decided it wasn’t worth it this time i think it might be different idk why but i get that feeling ya know, probably helps that im extremely tired and a but drunk as i write this which is how most of my posts will be written and as a result of that i could give a flying fuck about proper punctuality and grammar spelling ill still try with but not much and if you are obsessed with grammar im sorry but thats just how i am and since im writing it u can just go fuck yourself about the grammar at least i mean you could be mother Teresa for all i know but regardless i dont really see why a perfect stranger should send another perfect stranger criticism for improper grammar when im not getting paid to write well im just doing this because i want to. so anyway i sopose i should probably write something more interesting than that but i will make you wait till ido it next time i write because im fucking tired and i dont owe any of u fuckers shit.